Modeling good mental health—just another tricky task on the parenting to-do list? That depends. Once you become aware, healthy mental habits can become second nature.
Self Talk
I was talking to my 40-something friend and was shocked when she ended her story with, “Ugh, I’m just so stupid—a total idiot!”
“Heyy…” I muttered. “Don’t make me talk to you like I talk to my kids.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I ask them if they would talk to a friend with those words. Would they say that to me? When the answer is no, I ask them not to talk about someone I love like that.”
“Woah…” She paused. “Can you be my mom?” she joked.
But it’s a serious conversation. Words matter. Words become engrained. Name-calling can seem innocent enough, but it can easily be absorbed into a child’s ever-changing identity.
Say This, Not That
Sometimes kids (or rather, most humans) default to a defeated or negative viewpoint. How many times have we heard, “It’s too hard!” What is your response to this? To lecture, yell or argue? Why not encourage instead? Simply add, “It will get easier with practice.”
Often, this is followed by, “I can’t do this!” I’ve been guilty of redirecting them to a different (easier) activity at this point, but what if we replied with a gentle, “You are learning. How can you get better at this? Can I help?”
If it escalates to, “I give up!” How do you model resilience then? Perhaps by asking, “Is there a different way to try?”
Once these responses become habit, everyone in the household benefits.
Modeling Behavior
Sometimes actions speak louder than words, as we all know. So beyond taking a moment to think before speaking, we should also model positive mental health behaviors that will benefit everyone. Take a moment to ask yourself if your children have seen you:
- Celebrate wins in your life.
- Support others’ goals and wins.
- Listen to others without being defensive.
- Make others feel safe to be themselves around you.
- Create and respect boundaries.
Mental Health Don’ts
Avoiding common pitfalls always comes into play when balancing good mental health. Screentime, lack of sleep, lack of social interaction and too little time for problem-solving or creativity have all been linked to higher rates of depression in children. According to the National Pediatric Association, if you notice your child becoming more withdrawn, quitting activities they once loved or notable changes in sleep or food intake, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart. If that time comes, remember there are really two important rules: listen more than you talk and make them feel safe to share without harsh judgment.
Words Matter
When the day has been long and I don’t respond how I know I should have, I always make a point to apologize. In fact, I just apologized to my 11-year-old daughter the other night for yelling about something silly. “I guess I was just tired,” I told her. “I’m sorry. I wish I wouldn’t have yelled.”
And do you know how she responded? She said, “It’s okay, Mom. I’ve yelled when I was tired too.”
